yo mommas so fat that I’m never speaking to you again
dotter filmed me doing this
“bruno the songdog” by my father
Anatomically Correct Penis Map of the NYC Subway
“hand on my dick like ‘fuck jail’” -waka flocka
March 20th, Morning
Felt like doing one of these things based on Mira and Megan doing these things/encouraging others to do one of these things.
Here’s one of these things:
Woke up and went to the bathroom, used facebook on Ian’s ipad while pooping, left it on the wire rack above the toilet. Walked back into my room and threw away ~half of a rat corpse that my cat had left by my couch.
~9:45 AM-10:30 AM
Read “Rontel” by Sam Pink on my couch, my room is currently the living space of myself, my best friend Derek, and his girlfriend Hayley. They sleep on the bed and I sleep on the couch. Derek had left for work around ~6:30AM. Hayley woke up around ~10:00AM and we talked about dreams we had just had.
I looked at where I was in the book, looked at how much I had left to read and how much I had read. I thought about how long it had taken me to get as far as I was and, though it was only a few days, felt intimidated, then terrified, then calmed down because there was less of the book left than there was of it that I had already read.
I turned the book upside down on the chair next to the couch and asked Hayley, “Have you ever had a sliver that was just a piece of hair before?”
She said she hadn’t.
I had, on multiple occasions, usually in my feet. Usually it was dog hair but it was my hair once. I told Hayley about a time at work where my toe started to itch a little, and then it started to itch more, and then it started to sting, and then, holy shit, holy fucking shit, what the fuck, this stings, this stings, so I knelt down behind a clothing rack on the sales floor and quickly removed my shoe and sock. I looked at my toe and saw a ~2-3 inch hair from my head embedded horizontally across ~2.5-2.75 inches underneath the top layer of my skin. Like my skin was a sort of laminate or something. I pulled it out and felt instant relief.
Looked around for/found Derek’s computer. Opened up Firefox to find two wikipedia tabs open. One for “turing machine” and one for “Urza”. Left open those tabs and, in addition, opened up facebook and gmail.
Typed in the password to my gmail account, realized that through various password changes for various reasons on various social networks and accounts, this was the last website where I could use the password I prefer to use. Thought, “the final frontier.”
Hayley tries to skype her ~10-11 year old sister, Frances, she doesn’t pick up. Hayley asks me, “Is making smoothies barista experience because I want it to be.”
I said, “No I don’t think it is.”
She said something about how she didn’t like that and left her sister a ‘video message’.
She can only send 20 more free video messages.
Sounds come from Hayley’s computer, like a video or something, she laughs and says something, being currently occupied with typing the “~9:45AM-10:30AM” section, I missed what she had actually said but giggled for the sake of her validation. I find myself doing this to people a lot and I’m not sure if I feel guilty about it or not. Seems like a thing that most people probably do, but never really feel the need to make it the topic of conversation. So it feels like there’s a possibility that I’m the only person that does it.
I logged onto facebook and looked at the chat bar to see if there was anybody online that I have a crush on. There was one person online that I have sort of a crush on but I’ve never seen them in real life and have only ever interacted with them via facebook pokes and mutual liking of each others’ things on instagram.
Felt too terrified to interact further.
Sent a message to Stephen Tully Dierks on facebook saying “Tully m’boy.”
Looked at the tab opened with the wikipedia article for “Turing machine.” discerned that it is:
“a hypothetical device that manipulates symbols on a strip of tape according to a table of rules. Despite its simplicity, a Turing machine can be adapted to simulate the logic of any computer algorithm, and is particularly useful in explaining the functions of a CPU inside a computer.”
Checked back on my message to Tully, it hadn’t said “seen at __:__” yet. Looked at my profile picture, felt disdain for it but felt like I couldn’t just switch it to something else. Needed to wait until another adequate picture was taken of me, probably by Aly Cat, or Amy Saul Zerby, or something. Thought of myself as a “good sportsman” for waiting.
Felt like texting Mira that I’m doing one of these things, but my phone was charging across the room and I didn’t feel like getting up. I then realized there were multiple reasons for me to get up:
I was hungry
I was thirsty
Derek’s computer needed to charge
I wanted to interact with somebody on the other side of the house maybe, just to like ‘see what it would be like’ or something
Should put clothes on
Still hadn’t gotten up, didn’t feel particularly driven to do any of those things. Was still hungry. Decided for a few seconds that I would just wait in my couch until somebody force feeds me, forever, until I die, or something.
Hayley was watching a documentary about the lady depicted in the movie “Monster”. Thought she was watching “Real Housewives of New York” at first.
I told her, “The people in this show sound like they’re from ‘Real Housewives of New York.’”
She said, “Yeah, they do.”
“The narrator sounds like Simon.”
“Yeah, I guess he does.”
“The girl on death row sounds like Ramona.”
“She’s basically Ramona.”
You are now running on reserve battery power.
i feel terrified
if i push ‘enter’ that shouldn’t double as ‘publish’
on this dumb website